David Ortiz Has a Sticky Crotch

Back before David Ortiz was one of the greatest hitters in Red Sox history, he was a clubhouse prankster in Minnesota. Towards the end of his tenure with the Twins, Ortiz was part of some pretty fantastic pranks involving Corey Koskie, including an epic peanut butter incident. Let’s hear the story from their teammate Torii Hunter, as published in the Player’s Tribune.

“David was really messing with all of us a lot early in that 2002 season, always talking and joking and pranking. But Koskie thought it was time for payback. So in the middle of a game, he went back into the clubhouse to David’s locker and lined his underwear with peanut butter. After the game, we were all sitting in the clubhouse, and David came out of the showers, went to his locker and started getting dressed. He was talking to us — he was always talking — as he was getting dressed, so when he slid his tightie-whities on, he didn’t even realize that there was a lot of peanut butter in there. We were all just sitting there, waiting for it to hit him …

Then he put his pants on. Nothing.

Then his shirt. Then his shoes. Then his coat. Still nothing.

He started walking away, and we were like, OK, does he have peanut butter in there? Or is he just used to having stuff between his legs?

Right when he gets to the door, about 10 yards away from us, he freezes, turns and looks back …
“Yoooooou motherfuckers!” … In that signature Papi voice.

He went off. He was screaming, cursing at us, and we were literally rolling on the clubhouse floor while he got undressed and got back in the shower to clean the peanut butter out of his butt. We were like, “What took you so long to notice?! Are you used to that?!””

In honor of his retirement, the Twins gifted Ortiz with a jar of peanut butter before Friday’s series opener to commemorate that incident. Maybe the oddest inside-joke retirement gift of all time.

Is David Ortiz a Hall of Famer?

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David Ortiz is arguably the best DH of all time and one of the greatest Red Sox players of all time. At age 40 he has decided to retire at the end of the 2016 season, but is certainly not looking like an aging star. Through 46 games, he is hitting .335 with 14 HRs, 47 RBIs, 23 doubles and a triple. He is on track for an incredible final season, one for the ages. Looking at his accomplishments thus far in 2016 and projecting out to the end of the season, I wanted to see statistically where Ortiz ranks among the great players of all time. For those who are curious, I projected Ortiz to play in 140 games, about his career average for games per season and a realistic number given that the Red Sox will be resting him routinely to maintain his health the entire year. Given that, here is where I think Ortiz will rank in various categories when he retires (assuming he still retires) at the end of the 2016 season.

All-Time Rankings – Projected
Hits
104th – 2,483

Home Runs
17th – 546

RBIs
21st – 1,784

Doubles
8th – 654

Runs Scored
89th – 1,419

Total Bases 30th – 4,815 The numbers Ortiz has put up in his career are incredibly impressive. When you factor in his impact on the DH position in baseball and his great postseason success (.295 with 17 HRs and 60 RBIs), it would make sense that he would join the other 217 MLB players in the Hall of Fame. The only thing potentially holding him back is his failed drug test in 2003 that led to steroid suspicions that continue to this day. Over the past several years and for many more to come, voters will have to struggle with the fact that many of the great players during this era of baseball used steroids, are directly connected to steroids, or are indirectly linked to steroids. Do you keep anyone who is even remotely linked to steroids out of the Hall? That would leave many of this generation’s greatest stars and talents out of the institution solely designed to honor the game’s greatest stars. Although I can’t predict the future, I have a strong feeling the Hall of Fame voters will have adjusted their thinking by the time Ortiz is eligible in 2021 and we will see that classic Big Papi smile in bronze for eternity.